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Friday, July 18, 2003
  we have music on in the office every day. normally just the radio. background sound. air conditioning soft lighting whitewashed walls and popular music. not too distracting. something to buzz in your ear and stop you going mad when everything else is phones ringing. not to be listened to. to comfort and reassure. radio stations know why they're there. don't upset anyone. if people don't know the words what's the point? (if it doesn't have any words there's even less point, right?) jesus knows coming into work is hard enough, you don't want to have to listen to any racket. what's that? people screaming. what's that? thud thud thud. what's that? so much aggression. what's that? bloody noise. what's that? batty music. what's that? silence. get rid of it. listen we don't need that.

today someone put on a compilation cd they'd made. nothing unexpected. then 'stan' by eminem. this was a christmas number 1, remember! happily tapping my toes along to U2, INXS, Coldplay, whatever, and then this: fear rage hate misery confusion disgust violence. in the office. it's too much. i can't do anything. i have to listen. hairs stand up on end, i shiver (maybe it's the air conditioning), as usual when you concentrate on this song. no-one else appears to be bothered. i'm close to tears! the subtle shift in eminem's diction when he switches from stan back to himself. the way the chorus is used DO YOU SEE it's a security blanket, a touchstone, something that stan hangs on to as his mind deteriorates. he lets it all out and then, thank god, his tea's gone cold but he still has eminem's photo on his wall. however bad it gets the chorus-comfort is there. and at the climax: the most sickening moment in a number 1 single ever, ha! car hits water. emptiness and desolation. people around me are answering phones and getting on with things. it's quite unbelievable. the next song is robbie williams.

coming this afternoon: a dissection of 'like i love you' hooray! 
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